| | Published December 24th, 2008
| Family Focus
Keeping Up With the Joneses of Lamorinda
| | By Margie Ryerson, MFT | | |
A common concern for parents in our community is that their kids feel loved, secure, and confident. Parents also worry about how their kids fit in with their peers. These concerns are natural. Healthy competition is also natural in a high-achieving community like ours. Children often compete with their peers athletically, academically, and socially. But there is one form of competition that isn't healthy, and that is competing to see who has the best or most material possessions.
One seventh grade girl I worked with in a social skills group at a Lamorinda middle school was being raised by her single mother. "Katy" hadn't had any contact with her father since she was four years old, and her mother received minimal child support. Katy's mother was employed in a low-income job, and I knew that money was tight for them. So when Katy mentioned in our group that her mother had just bought a four million dollar house in Lake Tahoe, I was surprised, to say the least. Then she added that her friend's parents had bought a home in Tahoe next door to theirs. I knew the friend's family, and that this tale wasn't true.
Obviously, Katy felt a strong need to impress her peers. She didn't just invent a condo or small home in Tahoe; it had to be a mansion. It was hard for her to be surrounded by affluence and to feel different. Middle school, especially, is a time when kids want to fit in and be like everyone else. Because Katy didn't feel adequate enough, her way of coping was to try to outdo others. She couldn't tolerate feelings of envy or resentment, so she competed in this way. I worked with her individually on why she felt such a need to impress others and how she actually felt in comparison to them. Katy needed to learn how to accept her financial situation without having it reflect on her as a person. And she needed to find other ways of measuring her own worth among her peers.
It's a challenge to avoid letting our material possessions define us with others. Children naturally make comparisons, and those from less affluent families in our community feel the discrepancies even more acutely if they are emphasized at home. You can help your child avoid trying to keep up with the proverbial Joneses by making sure this isn't an issue for you. If you express satisfaction, and even gratitude, for what you have, your child will tend to adopt a similar attitude. On the other hand, if your child overhears you emphasizing or envying others' possessions, vacations, or financial assets, she may learn to think in similar terms.
If you can't afford things like a new car or dinners out at expensive restaurants, it's helpful for your child to hear you say so in a straightforward manner, without much longing or regret. It will encourage her to accept his financial circumstances more easily and not compare herself as much to others. Try to find different ways to create excitement and pleasure for your child so she doesn't become dependent on acquiring a new toy, computer game, or clothes for her sense of satisfaction. Help her evaluate her life in ways other than what possessions she has or wants. How you decide to place your emphasis can be your child's most important guide.
Margie Ryerson, MFT, is a marriage and family therapist in Orinda and Walnut Creek. She can be reached at 925-376-9323 or margierye@yahoo.com
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Lamorinda Weekly, Moraga CA