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Harold can be contacted by phone or email:
510-219-8660 hjhoyle@mac.com
| | | | | | I was recently having a cup of coffee at Pete's in Orinda and a mother asked me how to deal with the way her husband is parenting their child.
I asked her a couple of questions and found out that the child is having difficulty with his written work at school. The father is laying down the law with the 10 year old and taking away all kinds of privileges. The woman I was speaking with was amazed because when she met her husband he had a similar writing style as her child. He was very good with people, but writing, not so much.
So, what do you do if you differ in parenting style from person you parent with? Here is one model that I have been hearing more and more about.
The CARE (Caring Adults Respectful Environments) model is a research-based model which has the benefit of helping you understanding how you parent. It is a strength-bases approach that concentrates on responsibility, respect, and responsiveness.
Think about two types of parents, those who are more relational (soft touch) and those who are more rational (hard edge). You can probably identify which one you are. We can probably all think of positive and negative words associated with each extreme like hammer, tough, insensitive, or soft, emotional, connected.
When you hear the term strength-based approach that means that we throw out the negative terms and stay with the positive terms. So let's think about clear boundaries parents or connected parents. If you are the clear boundaries parent and there is some issue with your child you will tend to lean toward behavior more like your style by tightening up the rules. If you are the connected parent who sees an issue you will tend to lean toward connecting with the child and loosening the rules.
The CARE model helps you realize when you are in your strength mode by concentrating on the areas of your responsibility as a parent.
Very often the clear boundary person will benefit from being more connected when there is conflict. The connected parent will benefit from clarifying and adhering to the rules. The parent needs to be responsive to the child's development. When they are rebelling, anxious, or in crisis they need to have the parent see them and respond to them not from the parent's point of view (the parent's strength) but from what the child needs.
Imagine a 12 year old young woman who is throwing a fit about a change in the schedule. The soft touch parent might go with their strength and say, "Hey, I am doing everything I can here; work with me." If the child responds with disrespect, the child was actually in need of the hard edge and the boundaries. The 12 year old may have been feeling out of control in that moment and acted out to get clear boundaries. The parent missed the chance because they went straight to connection because that is their strength. According to this model, any response emphasizing boundaries would have met the unconscious needs of the child and likely produced a more cooperative end to the interaction.
The CARE model allows the child and adult to build a relationship where both parties see themselves and each other and choose to act in a way that helps the child develop the skills they will need to become a healthy adult.
This model also encourages earlier and less intense interventions. It acknowledges that we all need a little help getting along and parenting and that we do not have to wait for a crisis to check in and get a little help.
For more information, visit www.careparenting.net.
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Lamorinda Weekly, Moraga CA