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Published December 30th. 2015
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This Is Not a New Year's Resolution Column
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| By Nick Marnell |
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Why bother writing about resolutions, when you know they will be broken? Like mine: I resolve to stop chewing gum in 2016. But why print that in a newspaper article? It makes much more sense to write: I predict that I will break my New Year's resolution to stop chewing gum by Jan. 5.
And to those of you who think I am not qualified to write a prediction column? Don't forget: for 2014, I predicted that Moraga real estate prices were going south. And last year, I predicted that I would keep this job through 2015. The jury is still out on that one.
So here we go.
I predict that the San Francisco Giants will win the World Series in 2016. It's an even year, right? How far out on a limb am I going here? Besides, now that I am the first columnist to commit to this in print, I can be blamed if the Giants don't win it. It takes the heat off of the team. "It's that darned newspaper reporter in the East Bay who caused this. It's his fault!"
I predict that Candace Andersen will win re-election to the Board of Supervisors in 2016. Again, not a reach, considering that nobody has challenged her. And now you know the secret to writing prediction columns: Stick to the sure-things.
Here's another sure-thing. That every single male in Lamorinda (and planet earth), as soon as he hears an Adele song come on the radio, will change the station within two seconds. (That was too easy.)
I predict that, no matter how many new restaurants open in Lafayette next year, it will still be impossible to get a seat at Chow when you want one.
No matter how much rain we get this season, even if it is 400 percent of average, I predict that the East Bay Municipal Utility District will come up with new rationale to raise our water rates again in 2016.
With the failure of station 46, and the renovation of fire station 16 and the rebuild of fire station 43 occurring simultaneously, I predict the residents of north Orinda and western Lafayette will secede from their districts and form their own volunteer fire department in 2016.
All of the nonsense about predicting the economy based on who wins the election, who wins the Super Bowl, whether the first baby born is a boy or girl, I say, go with my prediction, which has never failed me: if the S&P 500 rises over 15 percent, it will be a good year financially.
In the old days, before the Internet, it was much easier to get away with making outrageous predictions in the newspaper, because that newspaper would be thrown out within a week. Now, we've got to live with this column online for eternity. So, I close with a prediction that you can take to the bank: My editor will remove this column from our website on Dec. 31.
Happy New Year, everyone!
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Lamorinda Weekly, Moraga CA